Hey, I went through similar. Started with a Male and then added a Female.
I found it tough to tell the difference until you see a Male. Then it was easy to tell them apart. The Male top fin has a spike that's visible even when flat.
My female was smaller than the male which probably helped a bit. I'd look for a male that is noticeably bigger than your female.
I added her to the tank and for a while they seemed indifferent and at times a small amount aggression. Eventually they hooked up and all good. They do their dances at night and do spawn now.
From what I've read one of the keys is food. Eating takes precedence. Making sure they have enough pods to eat is key. I have a 100 gallon with the 2 mandarins (among other fish) and managed to get to a stable pod population without supplementing. The mandarins are fat and happy just eating what pods they can find.
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