I was a bit of a bad ass growing up. From stealing cars to drugs. I never was caught but all my friends were. Ill tell you. For me it was looking to belong. I grew up poor in a rich town. I was bullied and in turn took friends that did thing as stated. Not to mention a few assult charges. As soon as I ditched these friends Iand found more constructive ways to spend my time. I fish and hunt have a live for wood working and gardening.
I grew up great and have a positive life. I think IMO the best way to deal with rebèllion is to find the source which is probably his friends. If its about the rush and thrill of being bad maybe activities like cadets would be a good choice. Along with discipline I was thrilled to drive tanks, replell out of a helicopter in the bush on a survival trek. Or firing off assault rifles at a range

Sorry, to me that's ridiculous. If he starts arguing, you lower your tone. Introduce some uncomfortable silence. Escalating the situation with him is just going to go from bad to worse. Then you smash something?? Seriously? The example we're trying to set as parents is yell louder than kid and smash stuff? Wow.
Now I can see where you think this might work, perhaps a TV show portrayed it as a good strategy. I tried this once 10 years ago. My child then punched me in the face, ran away from home and became addicted to meth. I'm going to suggest that the strategy was not overly successful. You will not yell a teenager into submission.
This kid needs direction. Work with him to decide, together, the best approach to eliminate the behaviour. See what he thinks might work, once he's honestly agreeing it's poor behaviour. If he likes to fight, maybe organized fighting. Put him in some fight training, with the rule that fighting happens at class or in the ring. Outside the ring has consequences. Help him build goals that he sees as important, so that achieving the goal outweighs the choices to behave poorly. Sit down and talk to him as a person, and find out what drives this from his point of view. So many better options than yelling him into submission.

My random thought for the day..

Jorjef. That's the most unreasonable and un constructive way to handle a situation. If you want a child to act like a adult then you can't act like a child.

All kids want is to understood and I think most of us forget what it was like to be fifteen. I agree with fight training such as boxing. Great workout and dicipline. As long as he understands the responsibility that comes with trained hands

I once called my mother a few choice names out of rebellion and my dad treated me like a adult with adult dicipline. Haha he kicked my ass some feirce. Which I needed. I fought a lot growing up and my half crippled dad was the only person who put me into submission. I was cocky thinking I was invincible. I found out itherwise and in the long run I'm glad he did what he did. I believe in tough love but a parent needs to find the root of the problem

To each his own, the tail doesn't wag the dog in my house. I set the rules, i enforce the rules and at the end any disiplinary actions a hug and a honest I love you always follows. Understand that with a healthy respect for authority yelling into submission works. The fact that the boy seems to have that is why I suggested it. But your right this technique can't start in the teen years where that respect doesn't exist.

This isn't a dog/tail issue, this is a relationship building issue. The kid has some issues that need to be dealt with in a mature fashion, not by fear because you're bigger or louder. Respect is earned through actions, not power.

Best thing that happened to our boy at 15, was getting a job at MacDonald's. Changed his direction and life completely. He met new friends, kept busy, did well at school (ended up getting a scholorship), and now has a great career with a couple kids of his own.

Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of parents, boys (and girls too) are most vulnerable at that age. Hormones and who your friends are tend to rule. Luckily, the vast majority survive just fine, and turn out well. I think the trick is to keep good communication (listening and trust) with your kid, and try to channel their energy into positive activities.

I strongly believe (I learned this in business, too) that positive reinforcement (look for things that he is successful at) is more effective than strict discipline. The latter might work for a while, but to be really successful (and have fun) in life, you have to find your own way, and learn to make good decisions, which includes seeking the input of others.

This is actually how my dad raised me. He was very hot headed. My mom was the complete opposite. Very calm and understanding. Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on how you look at it), my dad dished out the discipline, military style. Needless to say, I learned all manner of respect for him and for anyone that I happened to have wronged, very quickly. And trust me, I hung out with some bad apples. Some of them arrested for B&Es, gang violence, etc. I was in a few situations where I could have easily been involved. Hey, let's go break into this house! Ya, that does sound kinda fun.. but wait.. my dad would rip me a new one. Hmm.. I think I'll pass.

Having said all that, I am now in my dad's situation and having to teach respect and discipline to my children. I think that my principles are similar to his, but my approach and methods are not the same. I won't hit him or break his stuff but I let him know very sternly that what he did was wrong and he needs to be disciplined. At this point I can get away with removing things that he cherishes like his favourite toys and foods and activities. This always does the trick. Who knows, as he grows up things may change :-)

I'd hate to see how you deal with issues with an equal like a spouse.
Yell louder, Smash more valuable stuff, make them clean up the bigger, more expensive mess faster?
Take their car away or smash it into a wall?

You are RAISING a child into an equal, not forcing them into submission for life. I know a few people that grew up in such an manor, and they are afraid to ever speak there mind, challenge authority, or make hard decisions that have consequences, without someone guiding them all the time.

Okay it's neither a dog and tail or relationship building issue. It was mentioned that he engages in home life and the family but it's outside the house where things head south. In my house respect is gained because at the end there is a hug and I love you. Not just a rant. then walk away and silent treatment.The calm discussion comes after the fact but there needs to be only one person in authority and control and it needs to be clear who that is. I have two boys 19 and 11 and I'm very proud of them but they know dad rules the roost. Oldest doesn't smoke, do drugs and drinks very rarely, and believe me I would know I'm was a very seasoned expert in all areas when I was a teenager. My youngest had me welling up after he was awarded his black belt in Tae kwon do this summer.

lol ah no, the spouse garners huge respect and gets it, she would be gone otherwise. I'm not an insane ranting maniac all the time.

Well I certainly have learned some valuable information about some members with the last few pages of this thread.

I will hold my tongue on most of it, but Brad... You sir just gained a boat load of respect in my eyes!

Indeed. I don't think that there is a right or wrong answer. We can all agree that there are times when children need to be disciplined. However, how we go about doing this is up to us and will vary from parent to parent. The variability is also in the children. Every single child is different. They do not all learn the same, therefore they can not all be disciplined the same way. It's just one of the many challenges of parenting :-)

So on a scale of 1 to 10, I'm now a 1? Cool!! :razz:

It's a hot topic, and yes, to each their own, but there are certain constants, at least in my eyes, that need to be followed. I've done probably every wrong thing as a parent that can be done, and I was also that f**head kid that got into all the trouble, hell, I even got an assault charge in prison!
But I've learned over my 25 years of parenting, and I'm now on kid number 4, and hope I get it right this time. All my kids are now (mostly) well adjusted, but getting there was a lot rougher than it needed to be. It's a case of I wish I knew then what I know now. Eveyone here with an opinion, regardless of what it is, will likely have a different opinion 20 years from now :)

This is a very good point. Although my dad's "methods" seemed to work on me, he does not treat my son the same way. It is quite interesting to see him with my son as he treats him (my son) much more delicately. He lets my son get away with things that he would NEVER let me get away with, like not finishing my dinner. I've come to conclude that he is kind of were you are. Deep down he wishes that he had raised me a bit differently and he's sort of getting that chance with his grandson. Mind you, 20 years ago things were a lot different for us.

I'm just going to end with saying that I do give my boys a lot of love and they know I'm in their corner.

Geezzz when I went to jail.. I behaved!!!

People mellow with age too. They either learned a few things or are more tired lol.

Heck...a good caning should work.

As a three time recipient of a good belting I can assure you it did not help the situation =)

Maybe I missed it looking back but what did the kid do that started all this?

Raised by a single mother for the better part of my vulnerable years who never once laid a hand on me or my sisters. We were raised with follow through and consequences, If she handed out a punishment of grounding at 7:00 pm for three days we didn't get off grounding until 7:00 pm three days later and not one second early. We had chores as kids, cleaning your room every Saturday morning before T.V. or heading out to play etc. If we skipped it Mom went in a cleaned everything into garbage bags and believe me when she cleaned she cleaned. It only happened to one of my younger sisters once and the rest of us learned our lesson. She always followed through, even if that meant she had to in a way be punished herself.

I watch my sister raising my nieces with zero follow through, she takes the cell phones away for a week and a not even a day goes by and they have them back, what does that teach? I also see the parents divided where it comes discipline and rules, to me that just seems like a recipe for failure.

^^^^. Exactly. Follow through and be consistent. Both my kids will challenge me because mom gives in. It's funny to see the difference when I'm home or me and mom are home.

Yes, I'm a firm believer in follow through too. If you "threaten" your child with some dire consequences for bad behaviour, follow through. Otherwise they learn that you're a pushover and that you are all talk and no action. I'm not talking violence. If you threaten to take away their tv time, their car, their free time through grounding, then actually do it if they break the rules. Empty threats about bad behaviour is worse than doing nothing cause its counterproductive. Teaches them to tune out what you say because there is no follow through, just a lot of hot air.

I was also my parents biggest headache growing up and they were strict with me. I needed that structure, the knowing where the boundaries are and that crossing those behavioural boundaries would have negative consequences. I'm from Malaysia where bamboo canes are grown and considered multi-purpose. Enough said:wink::twised: But I always knew my parents loved and supported me, even when I was mad at them about the disciplining. I knew (and my kids are learning) that bad behaviour will result in negative consequences. We have lots of love in our household, but both my girls inherited my stubbornness gene, so we have to channel that away from bad behaviour and into positive purpose-driven perseverance. My children are the greatest blessings in our lives and part of my responsibility as their father is to make sure they know right from wrong and how to behave properly. There will be times of rebellion later on, I know, but laying down a good foundation now will help when they grow older and hit that rebellious stage.

And yes, I can see how my parents let their grandkids get away with stuff that we never could as kids. That's part of being a grandparent.

And yes Brad, we'll all have different opinions in 20 years. By then, they'll probably have brain implants and other behaviour-controlling gadgets:Banane26:

I also agree that what works for one child or parent will not work for another. My kids know that I love them more than life itself.

Cheers everyone,

Anthony

Titus - same situation here with my wife (empty threats) and myself (follow through)

Wow, this sure has generated a lot of feedback, thanks to each of you for your comments, whether they are viewed positively or not. Each child/teenager even in the same house can not be treated the same as they all respond differently. What worked on my oldest daughter did not work on my youngest, therefore how to respond to this situation is also dependent on our boy and who he is. Belittling him, yelling is not going to do any good. He will not argue with us about this or his consequences, he's already acknowledged what he's done is very wrong and is already demonstrating a willingness to "make good". Disappointing dad is the probably the most effective gut wrenching feeling he has at the moment and dad hasn't even yelled at him. So ya, there's respect. He just doesn't have it for himself.

I have not said what he's done, I will say it was enough for the cops to come to our house looking for him and arresting him at 12:30 am. And yes there was someone who is a victim. A not so harmless halloween prank that went too far.

I was raised by extremely strict parents, my dad grew up in an orphanage in Rhodesia in the 1940's, my mom is from an abusive home. They had no parenting role models and no other family to help. I was spanked with a wooden paddle (like ping pong paddle). If we hid it because we knew we were in trouble, the spanking was worse. But it always ended with "I love you" and a hug. As a result, my brother and I both rebelled as teenagers, I was a horrible teen. My parents and I are very close now but do not agree on parenting still today, yet I have very good healthy, i know too much about my daughters sometimes, relationships with them (20 & 15). I'd say something is working. I've never spanked my girls, a swat on the bum, sure when they were younger but I found me "hitting" them, lead to them hitting others, so it stopped and other methods were used. Us 3 girls left an addictive relationship, but I have always always always been open and honest about drugs, alcohol and sex.

My step children (4 ages 21-11) are all great kids who have also dealt with some hard things and each of them has some things to work through. We will get some professional help. He stopped playing hockey this year, maybe we need a new outlet, once he's earned back his trust....

.....

i like cheese..........:neutral:

Gouda.... don't know if I like it, just like saying it....

86 more mins... Today is creeping by it seems. :ranger:

TFIF!!! Told my boss I was leaving early today, he told me if I leave early I was fired! So I said I QUIT, boy is he going to be screwed Monday as I am his best employee!


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Someone having an identity crisis??? LOL

Not to continue the topic just read all the comments but I will be teaching my kids how to Break into cars and homes its a family business lol.


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My kids know that it's a perfect time to laugh when someone breaks wind. Not really sure there's anything else of value I can teach them. It's probably best if mom fills their heads.

Nope, I know who WE all are. :biggrin:


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I thought a best employ would work there full shift. 😁

[quote=Titus99;760456]I thought a best employ would work there full shift.

I do more in half a day then most do in a half a week.

Lol I can see it now my kids carrying lock picks to school... Just in case.... As a kid I'd pick friends bike locks and move thief bike on them just for fun


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As long ALL of you are clear on who's the boss, then no problem!! Enjoy your early day....

I'm out of this thread for a while now.....:lol:

All in all I do hope all goes well for you in your situation every family has tough times what doesn't kill you or force you to kill them makes everyone closer and stonger


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I hear ya, Costco has been selling their artificial christmas trees in our store since August. It's getting pretty ridiculous.

some people leave their christmas lights up all year. Plus there are those Christmas stores that are open all year round. So, one could argue that Christmas never ends!

Is he involved in any sports or other group activities? It has been my experience that keeping kids/teens active and involved with other peers usually keeps them out of trouble. It doesn't have to be school sports either, martial arts, boxing, youth groups, etc. all work equally well. It teaches discipline, self respect and respect for others. Giving a teenager a spanking isn't going to go very far and while there needs to be a punishment there also needs to be a new direction for the the kid to get rid of his frustrations in a healthy way. I think a friendly group environment with a bit of competition (either against his self or others) would do wonders. He may find some better friends that aren't a bad influence as well. Sit down and ask him what he likes or wants to do and find a group that he can participate in. The other thing that may help is for him to get a job of some sort or get him involved in volunteer work. My oldest wants to volunteer at the SPCA when she's old enough and we agreed that if she was to do that then we would pay her a salary in lieu of her getting a paying job.

This all sounds easy, and it could be, but if the kid hasn't had a lot of disipline since day one it is more difficult to enforce the older they get. I wouldn't rely on the courts to have much effect but loving parents will.